That Little Click

I've been thinking about what happened to me the night I felt that tiny click. My eating had been out of control, really out of control, for weeks. I was doing things I had never done before, like getting up in the middle night and eating. I was to a point where I couldn't go more than a few hours without eating. I was standing at my sink eating something, I don't even remember what, and a wave of exhaustion washed over me. I was so tired, tired of eating, tired of fighting the urge to eat, and tired of feeling guilty and miserable because I was eating. When I said resignedly to myself that I hoped this was it, that this binge was over, it was different from what I usually said. Usually I would have said something like "This is it, I've had it! Enough! I'm stopping right now!" This time I was conceding that it wasn't up to me. I just said "I hope that this is it." I was acknowledging on some level that it wasn't up to me to say. I didn't have any power over whether or not this binge was over. I had no idea if this was it or not, I was just hoping that it was. And then I felt the click. I put down what I was eating and went to sleep. I didn't get up that night and eat again. I didn't eat compulsively again for a couple of weeks. I have eaten compulsively again the last few weeks, but it has been short-lived. I have bought things that I shouldn't have in the house, chips and sugar free cookies, but I have ended up not eating all of them and then throwing them away or putting them down the garbage disposal. More often than not I am eating three meals a day with nothing in between. I'm OK with the fact that I haven't been "perfect" in my eating since this happened, because I have to steer clear of that black and white, all or nothing thinking that I am so subject to. I have to know that not only is it OK to stumble, but that it is inevitable. I need to practice picking myself back up, forgiving myself and moving on. I have a lot of OA (and AA for that matter) in my thinking. I believe in a lot of what I have learned in 12 step programs. I believe that we need a spiritual change to happen inside our heads and hearts to overcome any compulsive behavior.